[August 26, 2018] This was a piece of good advice I received the day I was commissioned a Second Lieutenant in the U.S. Army. “Don’t burn your bridges” was probably created to mentally illustrate what happens when you end a relationship that you never plan to go back to.
“People burn their bridges until they realize they’re stranded. . . and then it’s too late.” – Unknown, but very old quote
On the whole, the advice is actually pretty good. There are a few exceptions which I’ll get to in a moment but remember the warning. Figuratively burning bridges to relationships means you cannot go back without some serious begging for forgiveness. So there is a risk to doing so and must be carefully considered.
Why was I given the advice to never burn my bridges? I can only surmise it was because the U.S. military is a relatively small institution. It is expected you will again see these same folks and in a different capacity. One day they may have worked as a peer but in the future that person you burned a bridge to, maybe your boss.
I was close friends with another Army officer; I’ll call him Jack. Jack was a very hard worker and focused on doing a good job. But Jack was prone to make nasty comments about others and about the military base where we were stationed. I asked him to stop making negative comments, some of which were simply untrue. He refused. I had to tell him that I could no longer be a friend to someone who had trust and ethical problems.1
There are a couple of reasons why burning a bridge is acceptable.2 First, someone who lacks integrity, honor, or good character and should not be someone you associate with. Distance helps but if you have to choose to be in that sphere, chose to burn that bridge. Second, it’s okay to burn a bridge to someone who creates toxic relationships and reveals in the toxicity.
The advice “don’t burn your bridges” has served me well. I did burn several in my career. While there were repercussions, I burnt them after careful thought and consideration. Also, it was done only after speaking with that person to spell out the issues that pushed us apart. A risk is always present. Leaders should carefully weigh those risks against what is gained.
—————–
- I burned that bridge. Later I discovered that he was bad-mouthing me to his boss who was a senior General in the army’s Special Forces. This only reinforced to me that I’d made the right choice.
- https://www.forbes.com/sites/lizryan/2016/09/13/never-burn-bridges-except-in-these-five-cases/#1eda2804c3f6
Good one. Thanks for a pertinent article on a subject not well addressed.
Gen. Satterfield, an interesting topic name considering you’re an engineer in the army. I imagine you also burned a few bridges literally. Good article.
Just a few!
Another good article. Thanks, Gen. Satterfield.
I think, yes, that unethical and generally unacceptable behavior that will not change is a good reason to burn a bridge and reject a person for their actions. Be careful is my message. As noted by others, they will come after you so be really really prepared to defend yourself.
Ha. Good job on a relevant topic that we all have experience with. Keep up the great work here General Satterfield. Keep these topics coming. By the way, how do you come up with topics?
I do believe he takes suggestions from readers.
Yes, he does.
😉
Hi Kenny. I come up with topics in several ways. The most common is I simply pull from lessons I learned long ago. I also take suggestions from readers. Thanks for being a regular commentator here at my leadership blog.
Believe me this can come back to haunt you in the future. I know this is one of the main reasons not to burn bridges so be extra careful.
My aunt was a nasty person while I was growing up. When I became an adult and she started borrowing money from my mom and never paying it back, I had it out with her. We never again spoke and my life was much better afterward. Yes, she did say bad things about me but everyone knew the game. I was vindicated.
More needs to be said and written about this issue. It is not simple. Period. There are times to burn bridges with extreme prejudice and there are times to just ignore the problem person(s). I’m inclined to the latter but there are times where you have no other choice.
Good job. I too liked your article today and have given it to my students; both in the classroom and on the football field.
I had a narcissist where I worked that made it difficult for everyone. I told him off and quit my job just to get away from the toxic environment. My boss would do nothing about him because the narcissist got things done. What my boss didn’t realize until later was that the cost of getting our tasks done was bad morale and less innovation.
Yes, I had a similar experience. I had to get out.
You’re right that these people will bad-mouth you and do it behind your back instead of to your face. Probably because you made the right choice to begin with by terminating your relationship with them. Some people just can’t take being rejected.
Hey, great article today and great advice to boot. I burned a few bridges in my time. I did it with plenty of foresight and thought. All came back eventually to bit me in the ass. Was it worth it? Yep and I would do it again. That said, it should be a rare event and the later in your career the better.
All of have done so and each has gotten bit on the rear for it too. The risk is what needs to be assessed most carefully.
Same here.