[December 5, 2022] Let’s begin with something counterintuitive about the secret to a successful marriage. And that is “happiness.” Happiness is not the goal of a marriage and, in fact, it is a low goal if any at all. If you judge the success of your marriage on your personal happiness, then that raises the question, “What do you have when you don’t have happiness in your marriage (which is most of the time)?”
What you want to have in your marriage is, first and foremost, a scrupulous honesty. And this is much more than telling the other person the truth because you can be brutal with the truth. Possess the kind of honesty that is devoted toward thriving and love as a couple and family. You also might want to act graciously and nobly in your relationship. You want to be reliable, productive, and generous. And then if you’re lucky, now and then, you might be happy and you might have a clear enough conscious that in those rare moments you are happy, you can enjoy it without guilt.
There was a study many years ago, one that has been replicated many times, that shows married couples with children are less happy than couples without children or unmarried couples. This would seem to suggest that marriage is not a “good deal” for men or women. But is happiness the real measure of success in a marriage? I don’t think so. Those same men and women, married with children consistently said they were more satisfied with their lives than ever before and especially when compared to others in the study. Happiness is not the proper indicator for success. The sooner we recognize that, the better off we all will be in our marriage.
The secret to a successful marriage is to aim at something much higher than happiness. Responsibility is at the core of that “secret.” Adopt responsibility for your marriage and motivate yourself to work hard at maintaining that relationship.
It’s also easy to have a good marriage when things are going well. But learning to work together, to negotiate solutions to problems, and to stick it out for the long haul despite hard times, that’s the difficult stuff that can be overcome to have a successful marriage. And that is certainly not easy. Life is hard, marriage is hard, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do it. We are not victims of circumstance. We have the choice to have a successful marriage, and we have the choice to fail.
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This is the kind of article I would hope most people open and read. You can get much of this idea on how to have a successful marriage. And, it is not really a secret.
These are the kind of article I love.
I believe deeply that marriage is sacred and must be supported or else our world dies out. We should also hold close and encourage children and any attempt to devalue children or marriage is an evil that must be stamped out with great strength. Be strong. Be loving. Be the man in the world that everyone can come to and know you will protect them and hold off those who would destroy good.
Well said. 👍
Plenty of secrets to a successful marriage. Good to get the General’s take on it.
The secret to a successful marriage is to aim at something much higher than happiness. Responsibility is at the core of that “secret.” Adopt responsibility for your marriage and motivate yourself to work hard at maintaining that relationship. ** General Satterfield said it all here in this sentence. 😅
Always a pleasure to read an article by Gen. Satterfield. He gets to the point quick and the articles are something you can actually use.
Marriage therapist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., has found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are serious threats to a marriage. The more a couple engages in these destructive activities, the more likely they are to divorce. His decades of research and of working with couples have shown that spouses who stay together know how to fight without being hostile and to take responsibility for their actions. They are also more likely to respond quickly to each other’s wishes to make up after fights and repair the relationship.
Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without. – James Dobson
Yeah, good quote. Success means focus on your spouse. Nothing is more important and never every forget that.
😎
“When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.” — Joseph Campbell
Good quote.
Success is simple to talk about and pontificate on but hard to do. A successful marriage requires effort every single day with no days off.
A successful marriage takes brainpower and dedication to your spouse.
Don’t you just love this website by Gen. Satterfield. Every article makes a lot of sense to me. Regarding marriage, show gratitude when your partner cooks dinner, helps the kids with their homework, or does the grocery shopping. It may help to take a few minutes each evening to tell each other at least one thing you appreciated that day.
But aren’t American women all looking for ‘happiness’ all the time? I think so. Just look at glamor magazines, etc. that push money, good looks, fancy clothes, big house, respectable job, etc. and that if you don’t have all this, then you don’t have what you DESERVE. Ha Ha. Typical of the media telling us what makes us happy.
You got that right, girlfriend. Happiness is not the goal in a marriage. And the sooner we all see that truth, the better off we will be. Just read Gen. Satterfield’s “55 Rules for a Good Life” and you will find that out darn quick. Get his book now, before the price goes up.
https://www.amazon.com/55-Rules-Good-Life-Responsibility/dp/1737915529/
— and special thanks to Lynn for her war movie reviews too. Well done!!!!!!
Yeah, HAL, I love her reveiws too.
Here is the link: https://www.theleadermaker.com/war-movie-reviews/
“A secret?” Many secrets, is my thinking.
“It’s also easy to have a good marriage when things are going well.” – Gen. Doug Satterfield, excellent point. 😊
Right, and I’ve been married now for 17 years and my wife and I are getting along just fine. Why? We measure our success on being there for each other, never cheating, open honesty, and going on a “date” at least once a week.
Excellent article , made me think a bit about my marriage.
Talking with your spouse is one of the best ways to keep your marriage healthy and successful. Be honest about what you’re feeling, but be kind and respectful when you communicate. Part of good communication is being a good listener and taking the time to understand what it is your spouse wants and needs from you. Keep the lines of communication open by talking often, and not just about things like bills and the kids. Share your thoughts and feelings.
Yes, having realistic expectations is another way to say it.
Max and mainer, good points. Open communication = yes, realistic expectations = yes. But also an understanding that you and your wife or husband is not perfect but together, maybe, just maybe, you can be better as a whole.
❤❤❤❤❤ It’s not all about LOVE, but love matters a great deal. After children, the children are the focus. Recognize that now and you will be better off for it.
Yep, nothing much else to say. Love is just a physical attraction in the beginning but love morphs over time to something else. That is what we should all have and it has nothing to do with happiness.
https://www.amazon.com/55-Rules-Good-Life-Responsibility/dp/1737915529/
Many “secrets” to a successful marriage, YES, and I agree that happiness is not one of them. If you think being happy is the main reason to marry, then you will severely disappointed and eventually your marriage will fail.
Nick, well said and I do believe Gen. Satterfield appreciates the input on this topic too. Happiness is, however, what our society tells us is the measure of a successful marriage. Sadly, it is not. We need to make our way better and pay attention to those like Gen. S who knows better.